Saturday, February 27, 2016
I had an awful dream about losing my mother. I dreamt that my father came into my room, and said "Your mother has died. I knew it, because she looked so peaceful." I jumped from my bed saying, "No, no..." I woke up from that nightmare scared. It's one of my worst fears. I'm not ready to lose my mother.
My dream brought about a lot of other fears too. I will be alone. My brother has a beautiful girlfriend, and I have no one. I keep asking God, "Would you really leave me alone?" My thoughts have been going around and around questioning God's love for me. I know He loves me, but I have this nagging doubt that won't go away. I keep wondering if God is mad at me.
People have told me that these thoughts are just the devil getting in my head. I'd like to believe that when the devil is attacking me so fiercely, it means that God has something amazing just around the corner. The problem is that I've thought that something amazing was just around the corner for me, but I've been disappointed again and again by thinking this way. I just can't let my thoughts go in that direction. It hurts too much.
I'm still going by faith. I love God. I just feel so lost. Please continue to pray for me. God bless.
Sunday, February 7, 2016
I know I have to hand this over to God. I'm scared. I want to do a good job. I'm just scared.
I haven't given up my search for a permanent position. I'm still looking. I'm also still believing in God for amazing things in my life. Things have got to get better.